5 or 6 years ago I met a young woman, full of promise. When I say promise, consider that I did not know cognitively what I know now. Everything I knew to be right was instinctual. It was a view of life created as a result of my quest for understanding. Ironically it was the illogic of the logic presented in Star Trek that hooked me on logic and reason. It was that underlying beauty of rational thought, of seeing what IS instead of what I wanted to see and applying it to everything in life, and seeing real answers instead of vague half-truths and poorly formed clichés like everyone else seem to live their lives upon. This young woman had that same spark. It was that burning desire for truth that so attracted to me. She was/is a woman of the mind, not one of the body, for her body is average at best. The mind, now that was something to desire, both mentally and physically. The sharpness of understanding of mathematics and physics. The intuitive ability to solve problems through a logical course even when she didn’t know what she was applying was logic. This was what attracted me to her both mentally and physically; her possibilities were limitless…
If only she could get over the lies she had been told her whole life. You’re smarter and better than everyone else. You should feel guilty that you were given these gifts and others were not. You should sacrifice yourself for those that weren’t given what you were. You have no right to judge others by your standards because they couldn’t possibly meet what you were given from birth. It is your job to serve those less fortunate. And on and on. She was essentially a slave in her own house, made by her step-mother, much like Cinderella, to clean and polish and cook at every possible moment. And clean she did, because every time she dared live her life for herself, she felt guilty. If she dared love someone that unapologetically sought to enjoy his own life, without guilt or question, without apology for not caring what others did or didn’t do with their lives, the guilt that followed was immense. So of course it became easier to do as her mother said and stay away from the “wicked man” that has come to poison you, than follow the path to freedom. Hence we broke up after a very short, but intense almost-affair.
Of course it didn’t end there. She couldn’t stay away. She went 2 years without talking to me, and then called to me. I told her I couldn’t give her what she wanted so desperately, a friend and nothing more, someone that she could ignore the values that called to her as true, but made her feel so ashamed. I would not give her a crutch half in the world of reality, half in guilt, living what she wanted to live for her while she continued to sacrifice. She hung up... for then...
Another year went by. This time, I was so lonely I said “ok”. Of course I couldn’t do it. I wanted her in all of her heroic glory living life for her own sake. I didn’t want to play with someone that was lying to themselves, being a friend with a person that I didn’t respect, how could I? Inevitably she chose the path of guilt and went away again, after much name calling on her part and much mashing of teeth and pig-headed stubbornness on mine, trying to get her to understand that which I didn’t understand fully myself, at least not well enough to teach someone else.
Another 1 1/2 years went by. And then she emailed, looking for someone to give her a job. “Sorry, don’t know of any openings but my own company. Here’s the rules if you want it....” “No, couldn’t work for you.” “Bye.” “Bye – freak”. And so the story went.
And then the other day I happened to be in a position to observe her with her twin without her knowing it was me (long story involving snowmobile gear). I looked into her eyes. The fire was gone. The intellect still there, but all that was left was a resignation to accept that her life was someone else’s to enjoy, someone else’s to serve because surely they need it more than she. I remembered this look from before. It was the look that I see when I look into my father’s eyes. That beaten acceptance…
And I almost cried for what was lost. But how dare I? She made her choice, she has chosen to be abused and used. How can I feel sorrow for a choice freely made?
The answer is I cannot. What I can do is stop waiting and hoping because there is no hope at that particular juncture. Time to find a better path, with a greater goddess. A truly heroic and unapologetic woman who holds the truth as her highest value, welds reason like a sword, and bows to no one. Life is her own; she knows it. She seeks as I do, to possess that which is the embodiment of her highest values. She knows that to be possessed by a man of truth is the most noble thing of all. She knows that to posses such a man is the noblest purpose one can share with another.
Ah but I hoped it was you Sarah…
I’m glad that I now know exactly why I believe what I believe. I know what I value and why I value it and most importantly I have EVIDENCE to back up my beliefs unlike so many others. It makes the search so much easier. It also makes it harder. You can’t look for someone to “build” or someone who has “promise” or someone that is “good enough”. It’s about what is actualized. What is earned. Not “you might earn it later” or “I can accept that as payment”.
So the quest to find that woman that I desire beyond all other possessions, that I would trade my life for and continue to work to earn that right every day of my life with her continues now without regret and without question that I may have already met her. I feel scrubbed clean for the first time in so long I can’t remember. I’m ready for my goddess. That woman of intellect and reason. The woman who’s soul screams “FREEDOM” with every moment, every thought, every word. Where are you?
If anyone knows such a woman, you have my email address!